Published on September 14th, 2017 | by Minty Coach
Minty Tidbits with Minty Coach: 10 People You Can Expect To See at Football Coaching Clinics
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Minty Coach recently traveled to Reno, Nevada where he took part in a Glazier Football Clinic. During his time at the clinic, in between long stints at the blackjack table, he noticed that there are very clear “types” that attend said clinics. Below is a breakdown of these magnificent individuals:
10. The bald head
They shave it every morning and shine it like a prized car; one out of every three attendees is severely lacking on top. Never seen so many bald heads and goatees in all my life. Will the real Slim Shady please stand up?
9. The Bros
Backward visors, man-buns, gaudy championship rings, possibly long flowing hair with a nappy beard, drawstring backpacks and tight shirts. Odds are this guy is a major tool and has MAYBE an ounce of personality.
8. The Fan-Boy Notetakers
They scribble down notes on every word that leaves a speaker’s mouth, they ask obvious questions mid-session in an attempt to impress the speaker and finally, they wait patiently after the session to shake said coach’s hand and ask more stupid questions. Can I grab a selfie? My buddies will never believe this!!
7. The Clinic Speaking Vet
They’re loud, they cuss, they have an array of lame jokes that can only be used in clinic formats and they usually have some sort of southern accent.
Common phrases include:
“The guy’s a war-daddy, hog-maulie. Plain and simple.”
“We can slide, scoop, pin and pull and Molly kick red. The world’s our oyster.”
“We’re just gon’ backpedal into that waterfall and protect the inside gap.”
“We’ll jet first, make a zebra call and fan out. From there it’s just normal 12 pop lock.”
On the outside this guy seems like the BMOC, but on the inside he battles frequent bouts of diarrhea, heartburn and gout.
6. The Clinic Wildcard
They drink non-stop, don’t shower or change clothes and almost always have a chew in. This guy’s life is spiraling out of control and his wife hates his guts; he lives for trips like this. He’ll almost surely not sleep a night in his hotel room and he’ll be the one guy that suggests the entire group hits the local strip club. This guy’s weekend will consist of copious amounts of Bud Light and an array of fast food.
5. The Clinic Meatball
The love handles and belly barely fit under a XXXL team polo and he constantly pulls his shirt away from his gut in a fruitless attempt to hide it. This guy lives for the clinic buffet and almost always has some amount of ass-crack exposed from his oversized cargo shorts. Usually an offensive or defensive line coach, this poor SOB can’t even get in a three-point stance these days. These big hog maulies run rampant at football clinics and so to do their cholesterol numbers.
4. The Good Guy
This guy is actually at the clinic to learn! Sure, he likes his beer and gambling, but he’ll most likely attend every session in an attempt to make himself and his team better. He checks in with the wife and kids between sessions and hammers a little fast food when possible, but at the end of the day he’s honest, hard-working and gets the farts just like the rest of us.
3. The Intimidator
He’s ripped, sports a variety of tats and was probably a stud (or war-daddy) back in the day. Men want to be him and women want to be with him. At some point in the clinic you’ll hear how great he was and he’ll probably be the one telling you. It might kill you inside, but it’s best to make friends with this guy.
2. The Mad Scientist
This guy wears the hipster black-rimmed glasses and sports a comb-over, fade combo. He’s dressed like a GQ model and exudes confidence. He calls the shots, knows how to expose any defense thrown at him and nobody questions him. He’s a tremendous golfer, has a gorgeous wife and can cut a rug like none other.
1. The Freebird
What clinic? This guy doesn’t make a single session. He blacks out nightly and only made the trip based on the prospect of endless beers, gambling and women. Usually your offensive or defensive line coach. Probably overweight. Likely rocks the polo shirt, athletic short combo. Might smoke. Definitely wears Sketchers. Why is this guy even on your staff?
So there you have it folks. At any football coaching clinic you’ll find all of these types. Some are a mixture, some fit the description to a T. All are God’s gift to football. For the record, Minty Coach is a strong combination of numbers 2, 4 and soon, 10.
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