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Published on March 23rd, 2014 | by Bear Tycoon

Californians, You Should Avoid Montana

Dear Everyone in California-

We know your friends said Montana is amazing.  However, we are worried you are not getting the full story.  In fact, you may want to rethink your trip altogether.  Here are 6 reasons why you should avoid the Treasure State.

 1. The Beer

Yes, Montana has great beer, but did you know it is not gluten free?


That’s right.  Cold Smoke, Beltian White, and all of Montana’s other great brews are filled with Montana barley, aka gluten.  It will definitely not jive with your self-diagnosed gluten allergy.

url coldsmoke

(pictured from L to R – Glutenpalooza, Glutenpocalypse)

2. The Driving

Think you are escaping the traffic in Montana?  Think again.  Look at this chaos!

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You never know what will jump out at you while you are driving.

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And don’t get us started on Montana’s parking problems.


3. The Pests

I bet your friends failed to mention all of the pests in Montana.  Our convenience stores are teeming with horses…


and horse-mounted cowboys.


Oh, and good luck finding a hot tub in Montana that isn’t occupied by a ferocious bear.

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Speaking of bears…

4. The Bears

There are seriously bears everywhere you look in Montana.  They are hiding in the water.


And flying through the air.


Some bears even have boats!


Don’t laugh; this is not supposed to be funny.  It is a PSA put out by the Montana Department of Bears.  Bears eat people in Montana.  All.  The.  Time.


5. The Unabombers.

Your friends probably couldn’t stop talking about Montana’s beautiful wilderness, right?

Photo Credit Matt Johns

Well, did they mention who lived in the wilderness?  The Unabomber, that’s who.


 So even though we have gorgeous mountain landscapes…

quake lake

You can never know what is living in the them.  Maybe more Unabombers.  We can never know for sure.

"sup?" - the unabomber

6. The Parks

Montana has three out of the five entrances to Yellowstone National Park.  The Park is huge, almost 3,500 square miles.


And the whole goddamn thing is a volcano.


If you’re here when that thing goes off, you and your family will be vaporized (!) instantly.  They even made a movie about it…

(sorry Woody Harrelson)

Good news though. There is still plenty of time to make alternate travel plans this summer!  Take it from us, unless you like bears, unabombers and the biggest volcano on earth, Montana is not for you.

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Bear Tycoon

The Richest Bear in the Woods.

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